Damn Hard To Do As A Working Mom

Graham had another milestone yesterday, but I’m not celebrating…
He had his first bottle of formula.

I wish I could be one of those mothers who give their baby nothing but breast milk for 6 months or even a year.

"The American Academy of Pediatrics believes that breastfeeding is the optimal source of nutrition through the first year of life. We recommend exclusively breastfeeding for four to six months, and then gradually adding solid foods while continuing breastfeeding until at least the baby’s first brithday. Thereafter, breastfeeding can be continued for as long as both mother and baby desire it."
(From The American Academy of Pediatrics Complete and Authoritative Guide to Caring For Your Baby and Young Child, Birth to Age 5) (My child care bible!)

I put a lot of pressure on myself to breast feed, because breast milk really is best (See the American Academy of Pediatrics official Policy Statement on Breastfeeding for all the reasons why), but it’s damn hard to do as a working mom. I find myself resenting the stay-at-home mothers whose milk flows effortlessly, because they have the luxury of being with their child 24-7. (For those of you who don’t know, it’s a supply and demand effect… the more baby nurses, the better your milk supply.)

The solution for having to be away from my baby is supposed to be my Rolls Royce of Breast Pumps. The problem is, I’m not able to use it enough at work to keep up with Graham’s intake. To do that I’d have to pump as often as he eats: every 3-4 hours. My ER is single coverage most of the time (meaning I’m the only doc), so I’m lucky if I get a minute to scarf down any kind of food… let alone 15 whole minutes to to disappear to pump in seclusion. I used to spend the majority of my shift in the ER with painful engorged boobs, constantly trying to get caught-up with patient care enough to go pump, and then constantly having another crisis happen, or, even without any crisis, constantly having at least 3 nurses lined up with "Doctor this" & "Doctor that." What ends up happening is I only get to pump once during the 12 hours I’m away at work, instead of the 3-4 times I should to keep my milk supply up. The nurses have even observed how infrequently I get to pump. The other day it was slow in the ER and I actually got to pump twice, and one of the nurses appropriately commented, "Wow, it really must be slow. You pumped twice today, and I've never seen you pump more than once." I even started foregoing food so I can use that time to pump, which is not helping my milk supply either.

So now, after 2 months of never being able to pump at work, I’m making less and less milk. The good news is I’m no longer in pain from engorgement. The bad new is I’m not making enough breastmilk to keep up with Graham, who is wanting more and more as he starts to turn chub-a-lubby, so yesterday as I packed his bag for daycare I was forced to include one bottle of formula.

Unfortunately, as much as I may try, really I CAN’T do it all. It’s all about prioritizing and making choices. Yesterday I was left with no choice but formula supplementation, and I feel a little defeated. Hopefully, though, my stubborn determination to give Graham what’s best will allow me to keep up with some degree of breastfeeding until his first birthday.