A Parent's Fears

I'm afraid that my spasticity will catch up with me and I'll trip and fall down the stairs while carrying Cole or Graham, sending the baby flying head-first to the hardwood floor below. I'm afraid that Sudden Infant Death Syndrome will keep my baby from waking up one morning if someone lets him sleep on his belly or if bedding obstructs his breathing. I'm afraid of leaving my son alone with anyone who might potentially crack, fly off the handle, and shake the living daylights out of him. I love these kids more than anything on this earth, and I would hate it if anything ever happened to them that was my fault or was something I could have prevented.

It doesn't help that I've seen each of these fears actually happen to babies who end up coming to see me in the ER. This past Friday, Hurricane Ernesto, turned tropical storm, rained down on us all day. Saturday at work I looked up and saw a nurse with a little 2 month old boy, who looked very much like Graham (that always makes it harder for me), wearing a white onesie that was streaked with mud all over his left shoulder and left side of his back. Thankfully by the time he got to me he was quiet and content. Mom had been carrying him outside in the wet aftermath of Ernesto and had slipped on some wet moss, sending both her and baby flying. Baby flew out of her arms and skid across the ground on the left side of his head and torso. He had abrasions all over his head, neck and back.
Then about an hour later I looked up and saw a second little baby, who also looked like Graham, simply inconsolable with bruising and swelling all over his little head. His mom had also slipped and fallen!
I made my colleague see the second baby, because I was a little too empathetic with these poor moms and was already upset after seeing the first one. The second baby got a CT scan of his head because he was crying inconsolably with obvious head trauma. The one I saw had nothing more than scratches on physical exam. Both babies ended up being fine. What was even more amazing to me is that both moms, even after realizing one of my worst fears, were holding up fine too. Everyone knows babies are resilient, but it's nice to be reminded of the resilience of parents.

Even when their children are NOT fine, parents find a way to keep going. Last month I saw a heartbreaking case of SIDS: A 2 month old little baby boy had been put to sleep on his stomach, and when his parents went to get him out of his crib in the morning, he was not breathing. He came to us via ambulance and we tried anything we could to give him a chance, knowing how resilient a baby's cardiovascular system can be, but he was simply gone. I had to tell the parents. They were probably prepared for the news after finding him that morning, but I was still amazed at the strength and courage they were able to muster and the composure they were able to keep. It's comforting to me to see that parents find a way to get through.

Just like any parent, I'll always have that lurking concern that I could trip as I carry baby down the stairs. But my job is a constant reminder that people do drop their babies on their head or worse, and lo and behold... they keep going.