Damned if you do; Damned if you don't.

I decided this past week to look as doctorly as possible. If I look too undoctorly, too many of my patients don't realize a doctor has seen them, and last week one patient consequently became very irate (see previous post). So, this week I busted out a white coat, I picked a subdued blue from my rainbow collection of mostly fun-colored scrubs, and I pulled my hair back. Yes, Everyone was going to know I was the doctor.

Unfortunately, this included the nutjob between me and my Iced Venti Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks on my way into work. As I reached for a straw I could see him eyeing the "MD" insignia on my white coat. Then as I reached for my coffee he exclaimed "Hey MD!" so loudly that half of the coffee shop turned to look at us.
Oh Geez. If this is what I get for busting out my white coat, next time I'm leaving it in the closet. "Yes?" I politely responded to the wacky coffee man who was getting a refill of a huge venti coffee.
"Yeah. Um.... What happens if you drink, like, 12 cups of coffee a day? Do bad things happen to you?"
Nothing like being forced to explain the negative effects of caffeine in the middle of a Starbucks. Ever cognizant of my audience, I answered in simple wacky-coffee-man language. "It jacks you up. You can get really nervous, have trouble sleeping, or your heart can race."
"My heart can race?! So if I have a whole bunch of coffee, I can have a HEART ATTACK!" he screamed. Now the whole coffee shop and the snooty little coffee maids were looking at me in my white coat as if this coffee health alert had come from me, and this was definitely the wrong audience for such a sentiment. Looking undoctorly was seeming awfully appealing.
"Not usually, but it is a stress on your cardiovascular system," I corrected him as I hurried by him out the door to work, where there would be no wacky coffee men soliciting free medical advice and my obvious doctorliness would actually be a good thing.

Boy was I wrong...
In room 16 there was an acutely psychotic manic-depressive who had been acting out that day and was brought in for an evaluation. I went to interview him to see if he met any of the three main criteria for emergent admission to the psych ward: 1) Was he suicidal?, 2) Was he homicidal?, or 3) Was he simply lacking the level of function necessary to care for himself? Turned out he was not suicidal. So, I asked him "Do you want to hurt anyone?"
"Yup."
"Really, Who?"
"I want to kill doctors."
Now it was like a train-wreck -- horrible but you can't look away -- so I kept asking questions.
"Oh, Do you want to kill me?"
"Yup."
"Why?"
"You seem weak."
"Hmmm. What would you do? Do you have a specific plan?" It's always important to know if they have a specific plan or just general ideation.
"I'll slit you're throat."
"Oh..." At this point I was gradually backing out of the room. This is one of the reasons you're always supposed to keep yourself between a psyche patient and the door. "Are you taking your psychiatric medications?"
"Nope." That one was a no-brainer.
"Okay, well, we'll get you some help."
Just my luck. I get the homicidal patient who wants to kill doctors the day I decide to look as doctorly as possible. He went to the psych floor as quickly as possibly, and after he left the nurse found a LOVE note he had left her in the room. Apparently he reserved his death threats for doctors only.

At least I accomplished my goal: Everyone, even wacky coffee man and homicidal doctor killer, knew I was the doctor.